Taurus (April 20 - May 20). Well I believe there's someone watching over you. They're watching every single thing you say. And when you die they'll sit you down and take you through. You'll realize one day, that the grass is always greener on the other side. The neighbor's got a new car that you want to drive. And the time is running out you wanna stay alive. We all live under the same sky. We all will live we all will die. There is no wrong there is no right. The circle only has one side. To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, eat something red. Ok Mr. Taurus, that table of hotties you've been eyeing? They'll whisper "ooh, what control top" as you pass by. Sort it out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20). We all try to live our lives in harmony for fear of falling swiftly overboard. But life is both a major and a minor key: just open up the chord. To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, try hard to smell something purple. Like any true Gemini, you desperately want to have sex with yourself. Get out the full-length mirror and get to work. Yo.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22). There is no reason to feel bad. But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad. It's just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold. And I am here to help you with the load. To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, say hi to the person in green. Cancerians tend to have issues with their ass, and you are no different, so this week, give it up to someone you love. Word.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22). Take all the goods from all the bads and tell the people that you've gone away. Now lift your head up to the sky. Now you can tell apart the black from the white. We waste the time they treasured dear. My only thought is that they could be right. Oh look there goes another year about as distant as a satellite. To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, wear something blue. Your motto in bed this week is "I am Leo, hear me roar", so let those neighbours know when you're "done". Bring it.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22). The world's a small child in the dark. My mind's the same place as it's always been. The monsters seem to fade so fast upon the waking of another dream. And I feel safe, feel so brave. I'm not afraid of anything they've got to say And you're okay because you're tucked away. Don't go astray you've got to be just who you are. To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, choose the grey socks. Ok Virgo, I'll only say this once: a dildo isn't just a silly word. Trust.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22). All of the king's horses and all of the kings men couldn't put my heart back together again. All of the physicians and mathematicians too, failed to stop my heart from breaking in two. To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, drink the pink drink. Your tongue is good for more than talking, Libra, so this week, lick something new. Peace.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21). Rear window, with the room in her hair and on her jacket. There's a picture in white of Che Guevara as he sits beneath the tree that's not important. But he looked a bit like me. If you took all the little feelings in your heart and took all those little feelings all apart. Oh now what's the point in doing all of that? To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, dip your finger in something silver. You're oozing appeal this week, Scorpio, so avoid eye-contact: you're fucking the first thing you see. Amen.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21). Time exists but just on your wrists, so don't panic. Moments last and lifetimes are lost in a day. So wind your watches down, please, cuz there is no time to lose. To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, wave at the guy with the yellow hat. Like their name-sake, Sagittarians combine the best attributes of man and horse, and even if you don't, you make people feel like you do: so share that beast with the world. Grrr.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19). Taking a while, raising a smile. Raising a smile makes it all worthwhile. But if you wanted to find peace of mind, then you could find it anytime you like. But you are the afterglow. You are the midnight show. The only one I know. You come and then you go and when you finally leave you leave nothing for me. To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, cut off the white car. The stars don't lie this week, Capricorn: fists ain't just for fighting. Hmm-mm.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18).  Nobody really knows where they're supposed to go, hiding behind the wall, afraid that they'll lose it all. But it's all right, just follow the light and don't be afraid of the dark. In the moonlight, you'll dance till you fall and always be here in my heart. To attune yourself with the forces at work in your sign this week, accept a gift from the guy in the olive hoodie. And for God's sake, Aquarius, your boyfriend really wants to fuck you, but isn't sure how to bring it up. Meet the boy half-way! I'm just sayin'.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20). I had a premonition, a movie in my mind. Confirming my suspicions about what I would find. You followed me to LA, down to Mexico, came in through the back door, at the start of the show. To attune yourself with forces at work in your sign this week, read a webpage that is orange. You are a water sign, and the shower is calling your name, Pisces, or more precisely, the guy you just cruised at the gym is in the shower and he's calling your name. You go girl.