SOBLOSCOPES
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Aries (March 21 - April 19). Hide inside your head, the blindest of the blind, the deadest of the dead. You're hungry cause you starve, while holding back the tears. Choking on your smile, a fake behind the fear, the queerest of the queer. The stars will co-operate this week if you order the duck. I have three words for you Aries: Waist-high furniture. Sort it out. |
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Taurus (April 20 - May 20). If we sleep together, will you like me better? If w e come together, we'd go down forever. If we sleep together, will I like you better? If we come together, prove it now or never. The stars will co-operate this week if you try the hot pear compote. Yes yes, I know you know what you're doing, and yes, it does feel good, but have you considered adding another finger? Word. |
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Gemini (May 21 - June 20). Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know. I used to amuse you, I knew that I'd lose you. Now you're here and begging for a chance. But there's no way in hell I'd take you back. The stars will co-operate this week if you avoid the green curry and order the red. Pay attention Gemini: English, Garden and Dill cucumbers. Three lengths, three widths, very cheap. I'm just sayin'. |
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Cancer (June 21 - July 22). Come on push it, you can do it. Come on prove it nothing to it. Come on use it, let's get through it. Come on push it, you can do it. The stars will co-operate this week if you share the black bean sauce with the adjacent table. If you are tired of being told that it's like throwing a hotdog down an empty hallway, I suggest you try a smaller hallway or a thicker hotdog. Bring it. |
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Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22). You know you'll always be my man. But grab yourself sweetness where you can. Cause sooner or later we're gonna die, left to the dogs under the sky. The stars will co-operate this week if you mix two parts oil with one part vinegar and add a dash of orange juice. If you don't, you're screwed . They say that the brain is a Leo's greatest erogenous zone. That said, easy access is possible through the nose, mouth, eyes and ears. Or just remove a piece of skull. Yo. |
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Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22). Your place, my place, make her bring that famous face. You got some, you want some, you wanna let me get you some. We know your music but of course we'd never buy it. It’s too fake man, right man! (We don't give a fucking damn). The stars will co-operate this week if you go for the Yellow Label 2001. Ok Virgo, you'll never go far in law enforcement, but you'll go far with the cuffs, blind-fold and billy club. Hmm-mm. |
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Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22). It's funny how even now, you still support me after all of the things that I've done. You're so good to me, waiting patiently. And isn't it sad that you still have to ask if I care? The stars will co-operate this week if you add coriander instead of basil to your pho. There's something to be said for going fast and furious, but what's the rush Libra? You've got 3 hours left on the locker. Amen. |
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Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21). People like us know how to survive. There's no point in living if you can't feel the life. We know when to kiss and we know when to kill. If we can't have it all, then nobody will. The stars will co-operate this week if you can justify why 20-grain is better than 8-grain, but not at good as 12-grain. You're leaking more than just appeal this week, Scorpio, so this Friday, tell the fifth in line to maybe give you a few minutes. Woof. |
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21). Nothing that you say will release you. Nothing that you pray would forgive you. Nothing's what your words mean to me. Something that you did will destroy me. Something that you said will stay with me, long after you're dead and gone. The stars will co-operate this week if you can realize that marmite is to nutella as the UK is to the EU. While receiving head in your mom's car late at night, the police may drive up to ask what you're doing: just say you're enjoying the music and the view. Worked for me. Peace. |
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Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19). You hold a candle in your heart. You shine the light on hidden parts. You make the whole world wanna dance. You bought yourself a second chance. Go baby, go baby, go! The stars will co-operate this week if you can distinguish pan-seared from pan-fried. Time management was never your strength, Capricorn, so save time with your dates by doubling up. Don't worry, you've had practice: they'll both fit. You go girl. |
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Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18). You come on like a drug, I just can't get enough. I'm like an addict coming at you for a little more. And there's so much at stake, I can't afford to waste. I never needed anybody like this before. The stars will co-operate this week if you tell your boyfriend how much you loved the muffins. As for this week, don't feel you have to reciprocate, unless you really want to swallow. Trust. |
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Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20). You pretend you're high, you pretend you're bored. You pretend you're anything, just to be adored. And what you need is what you get. Don't believe in fear, don't believe in faith. Don't believe in anything that you can't break. The stars will co-operate this week if you try the cranberry-lemon loaf but do NOT try the cranberry-orange loaf. On this all depends. Dear Pisces, did you know that the human body has 6 degrees of freedom? Up down in out side to side, twist, turn, rotate. Work it. |